COFFEE!
by xDemanufactureX
Summary: I warn you, rated I for Immiture. Envy is having a bad day and he discovers that Espresso can truly turn things around... sadly not always for the better. Rated for some language. I do like it when people review... First FMA fic


Coffee

It was a bright, sunshiny morning over Dante's mansion. The birds were singing, the squirrels would be chattering… if Wrath hadn't gone out to attack the little rodents. Ah, yes… A truly genuine day indeed, too bad a certain palm tree mopped homunculus was dreading the living hell out of it. He wished those damned birds would shut their chirping traps. He wished those god forsaken squirrelly rodents to die, hell, if he could extinguish the sun, he damn well would. 

"DAMN IT ALL TO WHERE EVER THINGS GO," Envy shook his fist out the nearby window of his room. 

It was sad; he should have kept that window closed. One of the very squirrels Wrath happened to be chasing had run up a nearby tree. I suppose out of instinct, after seeing Wrath begin to climb the tree of course, it had decided to retreat by jumping to a safer surface - Envy's face. Unfortunately, it wasn't really a safer surface, more like one of absolute doom. Wrath would tell you himself, he witnessed it with his own eyes. If that wasn't a flying squirrel before, it sure as hell was now. 

There was obsessive cursing and swearing emanating from the open window. We should all wish that Sloth were there to cover Wrath's ears. The poor child was now exposed to a vocabulary of rather dirty words… I'm sure he wasn't positive what some of them meant, then again, knowing Envy, a few of them were very well made up, therefore had no meaning. The little fool fell from the tree, laughing his little ass off. I suppose it would have been one of the funniest sights one could witness. Compulsive laughter, falling from a ten-story tree at 60miles per hour finishing with an amazing 'Thwump!' and a series of the very same curses Envy had shouted a moment before.

The hundreds of the birds that were having a wonderful time, chattering like the little old ladies that sat at the back of the church shut their beaks and leaned over to stare at the young homunculus. Anyone would be willing to bet on what each and every one of them were thinking… 'What an idiot.' Envy stuck his head further out the window and stared at the birds that then shifted their glance to him, once again similar to a bunch of little old ladies. The only difference is these were now little old ladies reacting to seeing a Goth walk by. He quirked an eyebrow, backed away slowly from the window and closed it. The birds continued to stare at him. Feeling rather uneasy, he closed the curtains.

Scratching the back of his neck and turning for the door, the palm tree mopped, male PMSing homunculus walked off wondering when the birds outside became so intelligent. Sighing, he left his room to walk out into the hallway. Closing the door, he turned around to see a sadistically grinning Wrath. His clothes were torn and his hair was full of twigs, yet, he was still grinning like a little homicidal maniac… It was quite cute really.

"And… What do you want?" Envy asked quirking an eyebrow and placing his hands upon his hips.

Wrath didn't hesitate at all. His insane smile grew ten times wider and he jumped as high as he could in the air. This startled Envy, as he straightened and stepped back a bit, he knew Wrath was up to something evil… Hell, was he right. In a split second, Wrath bolted past Envy, opened his bedroom door and began to jump on his bed. Most would find this rather cute, but unfortunately, this made Envy regret every word within his vocabulary. There was the little fool, with every jump, screaming every dirty word he'd ever heard. 

"Fuck, bitch, Jesus, God damned!" He shouted laughing hysterically.

"Wrath…" Envy began, still rather surprised.

"Shit!" Wrath screamed again.

Envy, who knew for a fact he would never be able to calm the little bugger, walked over as calmly as ever, opened his window and the curtain as wide as possible, stood by the side of the bed and waited until Wrath was in the midair of his jumping. He then pushed him forward with the force of a madman. Wrath was catapulted through the air and out the window. Once again, the idiot landed on the ground with a resounding, 'THWUMP!' The chattering birds once again stopped their bickering and stared down at the fallen fool. Wrath shook his head and looked up, this time getting a wonderful glance at those birds. He rose to his feet slowly and began to back away. The birds still remained silent and watched his every move. In absolute terror, he turned and ran away screaming. The birds saw this as a possible moment of fun. They basically nodded at each other and swooped down to chase the poor homunculus. Envy found himself in the same predicament, only without the awkward staring between himself and the birds. Sighing once again, he turned and left his room.

He found himself in the massive kitchen of Dante's mansion. In his state of displeasure, he felt he needed a little 'Comfort food'. Licking his lips, he opened the fridge. Empty. Absolutely nothing stood within the refrigerator except for a small piece of what appeared to be blue cheese. At least he thought it was blue cheese, he hoped it was blue cheese. Either way, it was rather awkwardly shaped. In disappointment, he slammed the fridge door closed and headed for the pantry cupboard. Once again, thoughts of delicious food ran through his mind. He opened the glorious mahogany doors. Empty. That was it, he was now officially pissed off.

"WHERE IN THE NAME OF HELL IS THE FOOD!" He screamed as he slammed the pantry cupboard doors. As if he didn't have enough problems, the force of the slam knocked the doors off of all the cupboards. It was unfortunate for the china was in one of the higher placed ones. Oops.

It was then; a gargantuan belch that shook the entire mansion interrupted a fuming Envy with a pout of absolute terror on his face. Well, that answers the food question. With a growl, he cursed Gluttony. He'd get that horrid, fat lard later for his eating binge of death. Then he wondered why he couldn't have eaten Wrath earlier. Speaking of which, had the little bugger's eyeballs been pecked out yet? Waving the thought away, he turned to see one cupboard with five identical, greenish cans inside. He walked over to the cupboard and took one of the cans down to read its contents.

"Na-bob…?" Envy quirked an eyebrow, "Espresso… Hmm… I wonder what the hell this is."

He pulled the lip off, then the foil cover to release a rather pleasing odor. Inside, was a brown, course substance. Envy poked it a couple of times, then dragged his forefinger through it. It felt strange, how come he'd never noticed this stuff before? Envy shrugged and placed the can upon the counter. He then searched the drawer for a spoon.

"Well, strange food is better than no food." He sighed to himself and dug the spoon into the substance. All at once he shoved it into his mouth, and all at once he made the strangest face ever recorded in history.

The shape he was able to twist his face into was more than likely complimentary to his shape shifting abilities, but in all honesty… The sight would have caused uproar in old folk's home and absolute mayhem in the local church. Sadly, a cross and some holy water were not going to protect you from that. He swallowed hard, and then, choked like he'd just swallowed a live pickled goldfish out of the toilet.

"HOLY MOTHER OF ISHBAL!" he hacked, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS THIS SHIT?"

He replaced the cover on the can and put in on the counter. He glared at the stuff as if it were bound to jump out and chew his face off. At a loss, he sat at the table and began to smack his face off of it in the hopes it would knock him out. Greed walked through the doors to the kitchen and simply stared at the messed up sight before him. His eyes widened in a fearful shock as he began to back slowly away. Who cares about the money he hid in the oven, he was NOT going in there.

After about 10 minutes of smashing one's face into a table, Envy stopped and glanced randomly at the green can labeled 'Nabob'. He waved off the idea in his 400-year-old homunculus brain and began to smack his face off of the table once again. Another 10 minutes pass, and again, a glance at the green can of strange substance. He sighed, stood up and grabbed the already used spoon. Envy picked up the evil looking can of death and pulled off the lid. Once again, he shoved the spoon into the substance and stuck it inside his mouth. He shuddered at the strong taste, but again, took in another spoonful, and another, and another. After that can was done, he grabbed the second can, and ate the whole thing.

About an hour later, Dante came down the stairs rubbing her eyes. A smile on her face as she came through the doors of the kitchen, looking forward to her morning perk of coffee. Too bad she ended up with more of a waker-upper than she expected. There, sitting against the cupboards, with the nabob can upon his head like a crown, surrounded by 4 more empty ones and spilled instant coffee mix was everyone's favorite palm tree. Envy. He was twitching like a madman and giggling like a schoolgirl. Dante squeezed her hands into fists as her eyebrow began to twitch.

"ENVY!" She screamed, shaking the entire mansion.

The other homunculi came running and stuck their heads through the kitchen doors in silence. Each one flinched at what was about to happen. Dante took those empty coffee cans, and presented she had exceptional strength of her own. We'll just say that Envy no longer likes coffee all too much… and the size of his ass will now always stay the same, for it hurts to try transforming it with the rest of his body. Too bad Dr. Marcoh isn't alive… Then Envy would have had a chance.

… And to this day, Wrath still has memorized the horribly filthy words that he was brainwashed with, and that Squirrel we all probably forgot about by now… He's living a nice life over in eastern Canada, where he is regularly shot out of a cannon.

The End


End file.
